There are many secrets of colliding with your partner (friend, family member, co-worker, anyone) and moving forward. Let’s look at seven questions to ask ourselves that will help us gain a lot of insight. Remember conflict/arguments are meant to be healing when handled appropriately.
1. What was the real issue of conflict? Many times, we argue and don’t know the issue. Think about why you are upset. Is it because you are always questioned? Is it because you always want everything your way? Is it because you don’t feel you are heard or understood? Or is the real issue of the conflict the fact that your partner asks for your input but then always makes a decision without incorporating your input? Let’s say they asked you what kind of dessert you wanted to share and you say chocolate cake but instead they order cherry cheesecake stating you always want that and they want something different. Fact is they rarely if ever order the chocolate cake to share with you and you end up answering in time, oh whatever you want.
2. What was my trigger? In the above example your trigger probably stems from earlier in life when you felt invisible or unheard. You may not feel worthy. You may not feel like you have the right to ask for the dessert you really want. You’d rather not say than have a fight.
3. What was their trigger? In this example there wasn’t really a trigger for the partner. They just did what they wanted to do. No argument.
4. Am I only seeing what I want to see? You very well could be. If this is an ongoing issue in your life there is cause to believe you are not standing up for yourself and your inner children. As long as we see our partner through rose colored glasses, we can continue to store our own emotion and allow it to give us physical symptoms.
5. Is this a repeating conflict? This is probably a repeating conflict with many different masks. Your partner may always make the decisions without concern of your feelings or thoughts because you allow it or maybe they are narcissistic or manipulative. It could be about cake, the movie to watch, which refrigerator to buy, where to go on vacation, how to spend your money, what clothes you wear, the car you drive, all the way to who your friends are. You decide if it is a repeating conflict.
6. When have I felt like this before? Someone with this particular conflict no doubt has felt these same emotions many times in their lives. They feel shut down by others. They feel unheard, lonely, and unworthy of having anything to say. They probably suffered some sort of abuse as a child and have never healed it. That has kept them from learning how to speak their truth and teach others how to treat them.
7. Am I speaking my truth? If not, what are the reasons? In this example you are probably not speaking your truth. You above all else want to keep the peace because you fear the other person being angry. Unfortunately, this was probably learned from earlier experiences in your life. Anger is a normal emotion when handled in a healthy way. However, most everyone has been exposed to anger that is dangerous and explosive.
Warriors must learn to speak their truth because that is the only way they will be good role models for others. If you are afraid to speak your truth because you don’t feel safe in doing so, it is time to seek help! Sometimes you have been in a situation so long that you have lost perspective and it’s time to really listen to someone else. Do not let the fear of change stop you! As long as you stay quiet you are enabling the other person to stay stuck in their behaviors and not heal.
There are also situations where is truly isn’t safe to speak your truth and you may need help in navigating that situation. This life is not meant for you to settle for less than what you want. It definitely is meant for you to stand in your power, live your soul’s purpose, and heal your soul! …….Kathy D. Carter