Following are realizations/awarenesses my client's
have earned through their healing work
and wanted to share to help others!!!
"Today, 3-9-22, I believe that the vast majority of my anger is based in fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of looking bad or inept. Accepting that I am still constantly in fight or flight that my life is dictated by fear still feels like a lightbulb going off. While it sucks, it feels great to finally have that understanding. But it feels like I am looking at it through a dirty glass. I can see it but it's messy and hazy and makes sense but doesn't quite. I also see that I use this anger masquerading as fear sometimes dipped in ego to keep people at a distance. To keep people from seeing behind the curtain. That fear pushes people away and keeps them at arms distance. It makes me alone. It makes me inauthentic. It makes me ruled by fear and unable to create and manifest and love and fly. It leaves me like a wounded cougar. Aggressive and snarling.
The thought coming to mind is that it started with Dad. I was afraid of him and of being hurt so I would preemptively start something in hopes that I could hurt him or show him that it would be too much trouble to fuck with me. But that challenge to his authority only brought to bear his insecurities and need for control.
Never ending well and only increasing the hurt I became verbally aggressive to keep them away.
Making hurtful jokes and banter that would maybe keep them away and stop them from physically hurting me. Plus watching him do this we waged a war as I grew up seeing this modeled. I see myself doing this now. Controlling how close people get to me or pushing people away with words and lack of empathy.
Side thought. As I struggle with my self care, I lose empathy for others and begin pushing them away even more. I find a diminished desire and lower stamina.
A list of my fears that manifests as anger:
"Letter to my father
I never felt like I could come to you with any problem or situation that I was having. You needed this ultimate control over everything in your life including me. You needed me to make you feel better about your inadequacies and help you to look a certain way. You had this King of the Hill persona that made you feel so unreachable.
When I would come to you with a problem you would grow angry with me for not being a man and fixing it myself. You would grow angry if it was a topic we had already talked about like I was supposed to be able to assimilate your “wisdom” on the spot. You didn’t have the patience to help me grow and see it through. I wasn’t allowed to be scared or angry or happy or sad. When I did come to you, you would become angry and I would feel attacked and alone.
I realize now that I began covering my fear with anger because I knew that you would be angry and we would fight. You just wanted it done and over with. You forced me to hide my emotions. If I would cry you would tell me to shut up or you would give me something to cry about. How dare you force me to shut my emotions off just because they made you uncomfortable and you were unable to deal with your own.
You never talked to me about stuff. You never talked to me about sex or porn. You left that up to mom whose idea was trying to scare the shit out of me and hopes that I would have safe sex which didn’t really work. I needed a man in my life. I needed a dad and you left me. You weren’t there to talk about my first kiss or date. You weren’t there to show me how to treat woman and what consent or seduction looks like. You weren’t there to tell me my body was normal and what the changes would look like. You laughed at me when my voice cracked and you were so ugly to mom. A man should never call her derogatory names under any circumstances much less in front of his child.
Instead of learning how to be a man and how to treat woman and how to love myself, I learned how to gas light people. How to hurt them with words and disguise it as humor. I learned how to keep people at an arm's length, how to pressure and push other peoples boundaries for me to get what I wanted. I learned how to be abusive and selfish and cold. I learned how to let me ego run my life and how to hate myself. I learned how to be hateful and hurt and alone. I learned that being a man is having the most power and being in control. I learned physical violence is how you say I love you and sex is required in a romantic relationship. I learned to hate myself from you."
5/19/21 9:18 pm
Dear Spirit Guides of Light/Guardian Angels/Higher Self,
I didn’t know which inner child to heal, but I feel like this applies to all of them. I feel so lost right now. I don’t even know where to begin. *major cry session*
We’re here for you. Begin from anywhere. We’re here to listen.
I was progressing so well in my healing. Now I feel like I hit a roadblock. I feel stuck. It’s as if I don’t want to move forward. I’m exhausted. I’ve had to relive through so many memories in such a short period of time. I was fine with everything until now. I’m scared of changing. My parents have controlled me for so long without me realizing it. I’m sure they would disagree and think they were great parents. I don’t know who I am right now. They treated me like a puppet for so long, and now I feel lost without them. I cut the strings, but I can’t seem to take control. All of my life, they told me who I was or who I should be. They were master manipulators and still are to this day. The only difference now is that I know exactly when they are trying to manipulate me. Ignorance was bliss. Knowing what I know now, I am so mad for allowing them to do it for so long. I didn’t know any different. They influenced my thoughts, my belief system, and my dreams. They did it so well that their thoughts became my thoughts, their desires became my desires. They gave me no freedom to get to know my true self. They robbed me of my self-worth. Although I was a “model daughter” that never got in trouble, they never trusted me. They were so strict and overbearing my whole life. I got used to it. I got used to being told what to do, where to be, what to say, how to dress, what to be. Thinking about it makes me feel so suffocated. I hate them. I hate them for always making me doubt myself. I hate them for making me feel incomplete without their control. I hate them for taking my power. How can I even begin to remember who I was without their influence? How can I be myself when I was never allowed to be my whole life? They only thing I truly know about myself is how strong I am.
Your strength is what will help you get through this phase. We have witnessed your strength countless times. They hold no power over you.
They just convinced you otherwise. Trust yourself. You are whole without them. Believe that without a speck of doubt in your heart. You are capable of accomplishing so much in this world. You’re still in there. No matter how hard they tried to limit you, you’re still in there. We know this is a hard process. It’s not a one-day fix. Give yourself some grace. You’ll get through this. You may not think so right now and that has a lot to do with your self-doubt. But believe us, you will. We know you for who you truly are. You are a force to be reckoned with. They don’t want you to change because then they lose all control over you. It’s about time for you to start living authentically. We are proud of how far you’ve come. We are rooting for you every step of the way. Even on days like this, when you feel really lost and alone, we’re here with you. We know you’ve been having a hard time studying. It has less to do with you wanting to be a doctor, and more to do with you doubting yourself. Like Kathy always says, “when are you gonna let that go?” Believe in yourself. Believe in your worthiness to be great. You are beyond smart, and you are more than capable. Maybe it’s time to start saying daily positive affirmations again. You can do this. You can pass and excel in your exam. Start believing that it is possible and it will happen. We’re here to guide you, but we can only do so much. The rest is up to you. As soon as you stop doubting yourself, you’ll start seeing results. Another thing, try letting go of the fear of change or the fear of the unknown. You keep giving your power away to fear. Stop doing that. Change is good, no matter what belief system you’ve been taught. Include something about change in your daily affirmations. Start trusting yourself, God, the universe, us and know that in the end, it will all work out. Let go of Ms. Control who always wants to plan or know the ‘how.’ The how is not your business. We’re here for you if you ever want to talk.
Thank ya’ll so much. This was a pretty cool experience, unless I’m just crazy.
You are not crazy. Stop saying that. Own your gifts and stop doubting yourself!
Geez *laughs* I was just kidding! I’ll start the daily positive affirmations and work on everything ya’ll talked about.
5/22/21 12:50pm Inner Child Healing – Beauty
Dear little me,
I feel your anger, and it is almost debilitating. What’s wrong?
I am mad! I am so sick of people telling me what to do. I’m not a f**king puppet anymore. I hate everyone honestly. They’re all f**king idiots. Do I just have a sign on my head that says “Control me. Tell me what I need to do”? I need to do this, I need to do that…”need to”…“need to.” They “need to” SHUT THE F**K UP! They “need to” leave me the f**k alone. Who do they think they are? They don’t know anything. They pretend to know to make themselves feel better. Why did your friend tell you that you “need to” see a therapist? What the f**k does she know? She needs to deal with her own shit before she even attempts to make a suggestion. This is why you need to learn to keep your damn mouth shut. You keep oversharing everything and allowing more people to insert themselves in your journey. You keep allowing them to tell you what to do. You keep allowing them to find more reasons to call you crazy. What the hell is wrong with you? You didn’t get enough of that from your parents? Now you want to add more shit you need to heal from? Just stop telling people anything you are going through. It’s none of their f**king business. Keep your f**king mouth shut. First of all, their minds are incapable of handling whatever you tell them. Second of all, you need to heal yourself before trying to heal others. Got it!?
Wow okay, I got it. I needed that reality check, so thank you! Now I understand why you’re so angry. I will work on keeping things to myself, even when I’m excited. I’m really sorry for making things worse for you. I have a lot to learn, and I need reminders along the way so thank you again.
You’re welcome. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to do it in a bad way. When my friend told me what I need to do, it was a big trigger for me. I feel like my parents never let me make any choices in my life. When we moved to America, the land of “freedom,” they took away all my freedom. I had more freedom back in my home country. Although thinking back, it was probably all an illusion. My whole life feels like an illusion. Now that I realized this, I feel like the wall of glass that imprisoned me has shattered. My whole life has shattered right before my eyes. Why did it take me so long to wake up from this false dream? Now that I am awake, all I want is to go back to dreaming. I miss the comfort of the illusion. I am hurt by how much I was controlled and told what I needed to do. I am hurt that I was never allowed to be myself. I am hurt that they made me feel like I was not good enough for them. My heart feels so heavy. I feel like there’s so much pain inside my heart that if I started crying, I would never stop. That’s why I buried the pain deep inside so that it doesn’t come out and I can continue living a lie. I just don’t understand why I was not good enough for my parents. I tried to be perfect for them. Shouldn’t that have earned me unconditional love from them? Why did they have to change me in order to love me?
Sweetheart, I am so sorry for how they made you feel. You did not deserve that. You are worthy of unconditional love. I love you unconditionally. God loves you unconditionally. Your spirit guides love you unconditionally. We love you for who you truly are. Your perceived imperfections are what make you who you are. Every perceived imperfection is a lesson. You are perfectly imperfect.
All I can see are my imperfections. My parents made sure of it. As if controlling me was not enough, they had to make me feel like shit. Since I was a baby, they overfed me. My mom loves to remind me that they used to feed me bread and tea, probably before babies were really supposed to eat solid food. Then they always pointed out how chubby I was. I was always self-conscious growing up because I was the ‘fat one’ of the group. I felt so ashamed. They fed me unhealthy food and all kinds of chocolate and candy. To them, that was showing me love. That was the opposite of love. As parents, they should’ve helped me form a good relationship with food and with my body. Instead, they fed me junk food then shamed me all of my life. My mom would tell me that I was getting fat all of the time.
Mind you, she has been overweight my whole life. She was skinnier in her teenage years, so I think she hated how she looked now. So what did she do? Project her feelings towards me. My dad loves to keep pictures of me when I was at my chubbiest then laughs when he shows me. He tells me to never throw them away.
One day, he took pictures of me and a group of people at a family event. This was right after my wedding, and I had lost more than 30 pounds by barely eating, fasting, and exercising. He sent me the pictures, then while he was holding his iPad, he zoomed into a picture where I was laughing. My head was turned sideways, and he pointed out my double chin in the picture. Then, he started laughing and saying something along the lines of me needing to work out more. I laughed but all I wanted to do was cry and lose more weight. I took his iPad and deleted the picture. So I can relate to exactly how you feel.
Wow, that is so evil. Why would he think that was okay? They made me feel awful when I was a teenager and started getting acne. They spent so much money trying to “fix me” as if I was broken. I went to countless doctors and tried so many medications and treatments. My dad never used to take me to the doctor usually, just my mom. It was the first and only time, he took me to a dermatologist. He would have to leave work early sometimes because it was far. That made me feel like this was a huge problem. They made me feel ugly. They made me define my beauty with the current condition of my skin. My mom took me to another dermatologist who tried “everything” and then suggested Accutane. Obviously, my mom was all for it. That medication was so dangerous that it required monthly blood work and a birth control pledge because it could f**k up my organs and lead to fetal abnormalities. I started getting depressed while on it, but it was so worth it because my skin was finally clear. After some time, the acne restarted against, so I went on another round of Accutane. It didn’t matter how many side effects I had or if my liver enzymes were going up. All that mattered was that I fit my parent’s standards of beauty.
That is so insane. You realize that they’re crazy, right?
*laughs* Well I do now.
I mean honestly, what more did they take from you? No wonder the idea of ‘self-love’ and truly ‘loving yourself’ is so strange to me. Let me be the first to tell you that you are beautiful with or without blemishes. You are beautiful. The idea of external beauty is just a silly concept constructed by our society. Because if you feel less than, they can keep you down with all your insecurities. The only thing that matters is your inner beauty. And trust me when I say, your inner beauty if out of this world. Stop torturing your skin with chemical peels and crazy shit that does not work. When you start loving yourself for who you truly are, you’ll realize how miniscule your external shell is. Let go of any beauty standards that your parents instilled in you. You can transform your body into whatever you want. I know you think that no matter how much you work out or lose weight, you’ll never be good enough for their standards. But guess what? F**k them and their standards. Work out for yourself. Get to an ideal weight for yourself. Love yourself. Love your body. Love your skin. Treat your skin with love and let go of the hate. You are more than your blemishes. You are beautiful g**damnit! Own that! Believe it all the way down to your core.
Thank you so much. I forgot to tell you that one day this man my mom knows saw me when I went to get something from him. He saw my acne scars and asked me if I got burnt. I wanted to die. My mom thought it was so funny up to this day. How horrible was that comment?
That was so horrible. F**k him. He is irrelevant! He had no right to ask you anything because it was none of his damn business. Imagine punching him in the face after he says that, and don’t let what he said to you affect you anymore.
*laughs* Okay I did! That felt really good. I am beautiful with all of my imperfections and all of my blemishes. F**k what anyone else thinks. I love myself for who I am. I love myself unconditionally. Thank you for helping me realize that. I love you so much! *HUG*
*HUG* You’re so welcome. I love you more!